Grief over job loss = Abilify - ADD Forums - Attention Deficit ...

I went to see my therapist this week, and it did not go well. My partner has been urging me to share more of my thoughts and feelings with my therapist, whom I feel I cannot trust because she's "bipolar happy," and I've already had this misdiagnosis screwing up my medical records for almost 15 years. So I decided to take a risk and tell her how I've been feeling. I described the pain over constant rejection from the job search, and how I've actually been looking for 18 months ? well before I became unemployed ? and made no headway. I further explained my issues with other people, namely their steamrolling and bullying me, and blatantly disrespecting my boundaries. And I explained that working itself is a challenge because of my sensory difficulties and the fact that bosses are authority figures, and due to growing up in an abusive home, I fear authority figures. And so I get very anxious when I'm working.

This was a mistake, and I knew it. Because even after refusing four times, I left that office with a box of Abilify. Which is not, as she claims, a mild anti-depressant. It's a heavy-duty antipsychotic used to treat bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression with mixed features, and profound autism. I got this drug because, as she sees it, grief over professional failure and failure with people isn't healthy and needs to be fixed. And now, I may possibly have "mild Asperger's," according to her, because of my sensory issues and processing disorder. Except I don't. When I'm healthy, I'm a gregarious extrovert who thrived on pitching clients and making speeches, could work a room, and loved to perform. My problem is, I have panic disorder secondary to PTSD, and a rather severe case of ADHD, combined type. I know it. I hit every symptom. And the medications WORK. I just need to take them regularly (I ration, as she cancels often), and I probably need higher doses of Ritalin at the very least. (Xanax, I'm iffy about. It makes me depressed if I exceed 0.5 mg a day.)

I think one of the biggest challenges is that my doctor is thoroughly unfamiliar with the symptoms of ADHD. She's only aware of the hyperactivity and concentration/focus challenges. She doesn't know that sensory and processing disorders are symptoms, and that anxiety and low self-worth are co-morbid. I have a sick feeling my Ritalin may be cut off soon. Also, I'm not happy with how therapy's been going, so I've tried to take a proactive approach by calling numerous other doctors in the area. Half don't take my insurance, and the ones who do aren't seeing new patients. The size of my city hasn't just negatively impacted my job search, it's also negatively impacted my access to medical care.

I REFUSE to take the Abilify ? the mere mention of that drug calls to mind my college years, a time period destroyed by mood stabilizers, which left me feeling actively suicidal ? and I'm also strongly considering quitting therapy completely, as aside from getting my scripts, it doesn't benefit me in the way I'd like. It feels like a waste of money and time. The therapist doesn't understand how negatively affected I am by people disrespecting my boundaries and steamrolling me because she does it herself. What I need out of therapy is to develop a stronger personality that does not take rejection so personally, and that is not attractive to bullies and steamrollers, despite my rough childhood. I want to rise above my past and be the best person I can be ? at work, in social situations, with my wonderful partner, and above all, with my father ? from whom I have become distant due to my recent disappointments. Viewing me as "forever bipolar" won't help me do that. Because aside from my ADHD, my issues are not chemical ? they're behavioral. Mood stabilizers make me profoundly ill, and while my Xanax can be helpful for quelling panic attacks, I'd like to beat the panic attacks and be a stronger, more resilient individual.

Thoughts? Have you been in this situation? What did you do to take control of your therapy and build your self-worth and resilience?

__________________
Call me up, congratulations ain't the real why
There's no pressure besides brilliance, let's say by Day 9.
Corporate ignorance lets me control time.
By the way (by the way).

?"Sludge Factory"

Magically bored on a quiet street corner
Free frustration in our minds and our toes
Quiet stormwater ? my, my, my generation
Uppers and downers, either way blood flows.

?"5'15"

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Last edited by VelvetTiger; Today at 04:14 AM..

Source: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=117921

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